Hello, darkness- my old friend. 🖤🤍

Listen to me.

First things first: let’s get this straight— I’m writing for me, not you…

I know that might sound rude, or something else, but at the moment, it’s the truth.

I feel like I have absolutely nothing good to say to anyone or anything.

I feel dejected, unheartsteady and demotivated.

There are so many things I don’t understand, and for the first time, in a long time, maybe ever? I d k. I can’t seem to find the drive to turn this sadness into curiosity. I feel hopeless and like there’s absolutely no point at all.

And you know, I really *shouldn’t* feel this way: everyone I’ve talked to so far has tried to help and encourage me. But they say logical things: “you are worth something. You’re not a failure. You have so much going for you.”

What CAN they say? What do you do for someone you care about that is in the depths of despair?

I don’t think I’ve ever felt *safe* enough to really put this kind of stuff out here. Surely, people will judge me negatively for it. But at this point, I really have nothing to lose.

I used to be known as an encourager; I can’t encourage anybody now when I can’t even pick myself up.

I used to have a fanbase; now, everyone is onto their latest favorite influencer and I’m a nobody-has-been. Can’t say I blame them. I’m here telling you I have nothing good to say. Probably best for you to get on TikTok and find your uplifter.

I used to be able to create content like it swam out of my pores; at the moment, I feel like I’m at the bottom of the ocean, drowning, completely blocked by the weight, heaviness and lack of oxygen around my head.

What am I supposed to do? There is nothing to do. I’m a solution-oriented person. If there was something to do, I would have done it.

The only solace I have is writing this, expressing how I feel. There’s no artifice, no selling, no persuasion.

There are only feelings: irrational ones, but they are real. And I can’t shake them.

If you’ve never been here, I’m very glad for you. I hope you stay happy and cheerful. (But I doubt you will forever. That’s just not how life works, I’ve discovered.)

But, if you HAVE been here, or are now, my only solace is MAYBE I can bring some comfort and camaraderie to your feelings. I have nothing else: no answers, no solutions and little hope I’ll ever feel differently.

That’s how the pit feels: “Hello, darkness- my old friend.”

I’m here right now. That’s all I can say. 🖤🤍